At this point, the customer service desk says there's nothing they can do for me. They hand me a coupon for a "discounted" hotel room. At the very least, I would've had to pay $50 to sleep for 4-5 hours and have to catch an early morning shuttle back to make my flight, so I declined the offer.
I asked for a number where I could speak with someone. It took them 15-30 minutes to FIND the customer service phone number on their own website (due to browsing restrictions). Once they did, I was informed the phone number only provides service from 6am-3pm EST, which meant they were CLOSED. I filed a complaint at United.com as they requested, and the automatic response said they'd get back to me in 7-14 days.
(Cleveland Hopkins Airport is now empty and so is United's customer care desk.)
So essentially, the customer service agent told me to call the phone number.
The phone number told me to complain via e-mail on the website.
The website told me to wait 2 weeks.
So basically, I'm stuck sitting overnight in an airport for 10 hours without so much as a complimentary bottle of water for the inconvenience.
To my surprise some George Zimmerman type decides he's going to stick up for the airport that recently made news because one of its subsidiaries crashed a commercial airliner while landing at an airport in San Francisco. I was NOT amused.